2 Years Ago...
Aya come on, it's time to go. Aya's mom said.
I'm coming said Aya. "I'll see you guys whenever I come to vist okay!" Aya said to her best friends Miki, Ryo and Amy. "You better said Miki and Amy." Ryo said "If anything happens tell me okay. I'll come up there and get them for you". "Bye" they all said. "Bye" Aya said.
When Aya and her family got to the Airport, it was already time to board the plane! When Aya reached herseat, she looked out the window and started to cry. She didn't want to leave her only friends behind!
"It'll be ok Aya, don't worry!" Aya's mom said."I guess", Aya said.
Many hours had gone by and by the time they reached Japan it was night-time. So when they finally reached their new home, Aya ran in and feel alseep right on the hard wood floor. And there was no furniture, even in the house. Aya!!! Her parnets yelled."I'm sorry, I'm really tired." Aya said. "It's okay, but let'sget some furniture in at least."
"Ah, that's better." Aya's dad said. "I''ll put the rest in tommorw. Let's go to sleep." "Hai" Aya said.
The next day:
"Aya, your father and I will finish putting the furniture in. Do you wanna look around the city!" Said mom." Okay" said Aya.
Aya's POV:Well, I do have to know my new surrounding's right?! My new home...Japan! My old home...America!
End of Aya's POV
Wow sugoi ne? Aya said to herself. This place is amazing. Stuck up in all the sites. Aya didn't realize that she fell on top off a boy!
Oi, watch where your going next time. It was Takaki the head ofKurogin high."Gomen, Gomen Aya was saying over and over again.
She opened up her eyes, as she looked up at him.
Aya's POV:
He's so cute! But a little scary, I wonder what school he goes to.
End of Aya's POV
Gomen. Aya said once more, And for the first time Takaki said "yen, it wasn't your faul!" But if I was watching where I...but he cut her off saying it was okay and he was fine!
A few moments later...
Aya walked off saying sorry one more time and left. Takaki is friends were looking at him in disbelief. When Takaki saw them,he glared and said Iguze!
Takaki!!! One if his friends
said. "What" Takaki said, What was that all about, you never apologized to anyone, even to a girl. Shut up! Takaki said. Walking off leaving them behind.
But they were right, this was the first time he apologized to anyone! But why did he?
I am a writer and have published a novel... So let me give some advice here. You need to work on the punctuation, and really fix where the quotation marks are. I can't tell who is talking and when. The speed of the story is way too fast. Take some time to let the reader get to know Aya and her friends before ripping her from them. It would be more of an emotional scene if you spent the first chapter discussing her life in America and how close she and her friends are, then have her leaving in chapter 2. this feels rushed and without emotion. If I was an editor, I would toss it without a second thought. But I'm not an editor, and I can kind of feel potential for where this story might go, and plan to read more if you have it posted. If anything, I will read it as a summary of a bigger story just waiting to be expanded upon.
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